Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I can't worry about the future...the present can be scary enough

It's been about a year since i have written on here, which probably means no one reads it or even checks it anymore. Maybe that's for the best. It's been a crazy year with ups and downs. At times i think more downs than ups, but im learning, and i guess thats the important thing. Tonight im lying in bed at summer school with my itunes on shuffle. One of the songs of an exceptionally talented friend of mine came on. One of the lines of the song is, "If we could see the fire before we had to spark." So many times that's what i want. To know whats going to happen, but at the same time, if i had known all that i was going to go through this year, i don't know that i would have been ready to face it. I know i wouldn't have been ready. I might have rebelled against moving on. A futile rebellion, but a taxing and real one nonetheless. I wouldn't have let relationships form that i knew would hurt, wouldn't have gone places where i was going to feel pain, wouldn't have revealed scars that others would try to help me heal, but then i would have lost so much... This year i went from someone who had it all put together to someone who was broken and hurting, not knowing who could come pick me up, not knowing where to begin putting the pieces back together. The old cliche tells us that hindsight is 20/20, and i guess thats true. There are times that i wish i would have been able to see how my actions would affect other ppl and myself. Times that i wish i could have travelled back and prevented something that i would have to apologize for. So, maybe you're asking what the big problems i faced this year were. Maybe you know me, maybe you don't. Trust. Faith. Fear. I can't trust. I lack faith. I fear being forsaken. Being alone is the scariest thing in the world. That's a pretty ridiculous fear when you consider my GOD told me He was never going to leave me or forsake me. He promised me i would never be alone, and yet this year, there were times that i have never felt more alone in my entire life. Crazy. At first i thought maybe it was the way i was facing. I was looking back instead of looking forward, and the past was a scary place, but even looking back i could see the scarlet cord of God's working through my entire life. This year i've been throwing a spiritual temper tantrum. i'm just longing for my God to come over and pick me up and hold me in His arms. I want to cry in my Abba Father's arms...but thats tough when i won't let him pick me up because i want to stand up on my own. Crazy, the things i want the most that God is willing to just hand me, and i want to go out and find them on my own. And yet knowing this won't immediately stop it. Thank goodness He's patient with me...

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