I can't worry about the future...the present can be scary enough

It's been about a year since i have written on here, which probably means no one reads it or even checks it anymore. Maybe that's for the best. It's been a crazy year with ups and downs. At times i think more downs than ups, but im learning, and i guess thats the important thing. Tonight im lying in bed at summer school with my itunes on shuffle. One of the songs of an exceptionally talented friend of mine came on. One of the lines of the song is, "If we could see the fire before we had to spark." So many times that's what i want. To know whats going to happen, but at the same time, if i had known all that i was going to go through this year, i don't know that i would have been ready to face it. I know i wouldn't have been ready. I might have rebelled against moving on. A futile rebellion, but a taxing and real one nonetheless. I wouldn't have let relationships form that i knew would hurt, wouldn't have gone places where i was going to feel pain, wouldn't have revealed scars that others would try to help me heal, but then i would have lost so much... This year i went from someone who had it all put together to someone who was broken and hurting, not knowing who could come pick me up, not knowing where to begin putting the pieces back together. The old cliche tells us that hindsight is 20/20, and i guess thats true. There are times that i wish i would have been able to see how my actions would affect other ppl and myself. Times that i wish i could have travelled back and prevented something that i would have to apologize for. So, maybe you're asking what the big problems i faced this year were. Maybe you know me, maybe you don't. Trust. Faith. Fear. I can't trust. I lack faith. I fear being forsaken. Being alone is the scariest thing in the world. That's a pretty ridiculous fear when you consider my GOD told me He was never going to leave me or forsake me. He promised me i would never be alone, and yet this year, there were times that i have never felt more alone in my entire life. Crazy. At first i thought maybe it was the way i was facing. I was looking back instead of looking forward, and the past was a scary place, but even looking back i could see the scarlet cord of God's working through my entire life. This year i've been throwing a spiritual temper tantrum. i'm just longing for my God to come over and pick me up and hold me in His arms. I want to cry in my Abba Father's arms...but thats tough when i won't let him pick me up because i want to stand up on my own. Crazy, the things i want the most that God is willing to just hand me, and i want to go out and find them on my own. And yet knowing this won't immediately stop it. Thank goodness He's patient with me...

Lesson relearned

today i relearned something...relearned because i forget it so easliy. God doesn't have the things that satisfy me. He IS the thing that satisfies me. How frequently i forget that...

Living my todays

School has ended. Summer has begun. At least i think summer has begun. I haven't had the opportunity to venture outside much to verify this fact, but from the time i have been, it seems to be true. Im home at least. And i turn 23 tomorrow. That fact alone has thrown my brain into overdrive lately. 23. Ya, i know its not really all that old, but when i look out over the future, its a little unnerving. What am i going to do? Am i EVER going to graduate :) ? Where am i going to be? US or overseas? Am i going to get married? if so, who? They are all questions i have asked before, and maybe its the fact that i'm still asking coupled with the fact that many of my friends are marrying and starting families, compounded by the fact that I'm 23, that is making these questions ring even louder in my ears. Ok, actually the real cause of this incessant thinking (also known as worrying) is my lack of trust and contentment in the One who knows all the answers to these questions, so that has been my aim lately, learning more and more everyday to trust Him, who has all the answers. It amazes me how i can give all of these questions, these worries that torment my poor finite mind, to God, only to turn around and snatch the horrible little things back from Him. So for now, for today, I'm going to trust, and tomorrow, i'll have to make that decision all over again, maybe even tonight. I'm not going to wish away my todays waiting for that elusive someday because someday will come soon enough disguised as a today.

Class is too soon :)

I'm sitting here thinking about how long of a night i have ahead of me. Sitting here as people swarm all around on the way to their respective classes. I'll be joining them soon, but not just yet. This is a post to look back. I'm looking back at how fortunate i really am to have what I have. I guess i like to write about that on here because it is so easily forgotten. So easy to push aside the blessings and focus on the trials. I was reading in Philippians yesterday, and it just hit me how much Paul found to joy in. He was in prison and people were trying to RUIN his ministry, and yet he still found joy. How blessed i am. Thats not to say im without trials. Ive been really learning to run these past few months. But o how much i've learned to cherish Him in my life, and not run toward things that have no purpose. Run to the arms of my Savior. The hall has that calm before the storm feel to it right now. soon people will be everywhere as the bells ring, but right now is a good time for thoughts...and how much i love Him, and how much He loves me. wow i love Him.

Update...i really want to start writing a little more regularly

I apologize at the lateness of this post. I realize its been quite a while since my last. Spring break is the last thing that occurred in my life of any significance. I am still praying in support for Argentina, and i know it will come, even if it is a little slow in coming. I've dealt with a lot the last few months, but God is good. I have just about the best friends in the entire world :) i have a lot of stories i could post about...hmmm...lets see, what should i write about...my flight home was fun. Upon boarding the extremely small plane with virtually no room for carry ons, my flight attendant started those typical speeches that flight attendants are required to bore passengers to death with. Except this time, it was a little different. She began by welcoming us to our non-stop flight to cancun, which i would have welcomed in a heart beat had i not been going home :) She laughed and corrected her purposeful error with a "don't u wish." She then welcomed us to our flight to Cleveland with a little quip about how if it wasn't your flight it was now. That part is a little cloudy because at that point a short asian man jumped to his feet. I remembered him because he was the short asian man who had been complaining that someone had his seat and he had to move. Apparently, no one had taken his seat because this was not his flight. I guess Cleveland just wasn't his location of choice :). After they got him all figured out and off our plane, we started again, and had an enjoyable flight. See, doing your job well and with a sense of humor makes those around you have a better overall experience...it was probably the most enjoyable flight alone i have ever had. Hmmm...what else is going on? Not too much. I'm just living my life a day at a time (which can be a problem for looking ahead for homework :) ).

Months of a lifetime

It amazes me how much life can change in one month. You can learn things that change your entire world. You can experience things that have a lasting impact. You can decide what's really important, and what you need to hold on to and what you need to let go. It's been one of those months. Another month that i can add to the collection of months that have been stretching experiences for me. Stretching is an interesting thing. Having so many friends that run cross country, I've heard a lot about the importance of stretching. It doesn't always feel so good when you're doing it. It hurts a little, but if a runner doesn't stretch, then the race can potentially do a lot of harm to their muscles. The stretching itself isn't the important thing. The important thing is the race that comes after the stretching. So, I'm just preparing to run, and im going to run my heart out. So inquiring minds want to know exactly whats been going on in my life...well, im sorry, but now is neither the time nor the place. Someday when i write my memoir this will be an entire chapter :) I can tell you this today, i love my God more than i did yesterday, and more and more each day i can see that He has a plan for my life, and thats what is really important.

In other news...i got a new camera, taking a photography class, i'm minoring in spanish, going to start teaching spanish to elementary schoolers, working out every day, becoming more active in prayer meetings, preparing for Argentina, and lovin life :)

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night

So ive been absent from my blog for awhile now. Im also aware that this is becoming a theme with this site for which i apologize. It's prolly a good thing though...there hasn't really been anything blog worthy happening in my life and most likely you would have just been reading mindless drivel that has nothing to do with your life. Isn't that kind of the point of a blog though either so you can keep updated on someone's life or so you can live vicariously through their escapades. Well, if you are at this site for the latter, you either have a very boring life or you have stumbled upon the wrong page. Anyway, now time for some of that mindless drivel. The semester is over (finally) and i can't tell you how glad i am. It was a stretching semester, and as much as i know that stretching is good for you and teaches you to grow, a break is nice. I just hope i learned from the stretching and i don't have to got through all that again. Break has been fun so far. I spent four days at Ambers house in Indiana which i will tell you more about in a moment. Then, i came home and saw the new house (which is nice but really wierd). While in IN, i was part of a slight sledding accident. I jammed my back up, and then from pain, i fell back in the sled and then we hit a tree (i have a nice bruise on my leg). So amber and lauren took good care of me until i was delivered to my parents :) Of course, then i went bowling and then spent all day today cooking, so i guess i don't take care of myself as well as they did. Tomorrow is Christmas. I don't have any gifts to give people as i'm terrible at waiting to give gifts. I get so excited to see how much they love it that i have to just give it to them as soon as i can. It gets difficult because i always feel bad when it comes to the occasion and i have nothing. o well...Remember what this season is about. The Savior who was born to destroy death. Live your life to emulate Him...in love, peace, and forgiveness.