I was just thinking

So, i went for a walk tonight. Walking is a time for me to clear my head...actually i guess it is a time for me to fill it. Walking is a time that i can think in peace. My thinking is the reason i picked up my laptop tonight to write. It is late, and i have church tomorrow, so i am not going to make this long...well, at least not as structured as i would normally like...this will probably be rambling to you, but it is just something i have to write.

I was thinking, why in the world did God create me, He (who has known everything since before time began) knew i was going to break his heart every day. Every day i do things that grieve the heart of God, and He is still there for me the moment i turn around to go looking for Him. No matter how far or fast i run from Him, He is always right there when i turn around to look for Him and tell Him i can't do it on my own. There are times i go days without telling God i love Him. I go to prayer with my wish list of things i want God to do in my life. I pray for the perfect family, the perfect future. I pray for everything to go just the way i've planned. I want a perfect life with no problems, instead of realizing that i have a perfect God who is there to help me through the trials. But i don't go to prayer just to say, "God, I love you. Thank you for just being you." But everyday, He wakes me up and says, "i love you...unconditionally because i created you. I'm not going ot force you to love me or serve me because i want you to come to me because you love me." Even when i go to him and give him what i think is everything, there is always something i am holding back, something i refuse to give Him, but right then, that is the only thing He wants. Every time i worry about something, i am spitting in the face of God, shaking my fist, and screaming, "I don't trust you to take care of my needs...i don't believe you when you promise to take care of me...God, You are a liar." Others may see me and think, "Wow, she is a great girl, a great Christian," but sometimes i feel so hollow...so shallow. When was the last time i cared so sincerely about someone i knew that was lost, that I...well, when was the last time i sincerely cared? I used to think...i am going to Bible college, training to serve the Lord...I've given God my whole life, but that's not it. Going to Bible college doesn't mean you have given God anything. A person can be just as far away from God at Bible college as they can any where else, sometimes farther. I just have to ask...where is my heart? What is my motive? I'm not saying that if you go to Bible college you haven't given God your life, but don't let that be the reason you think you aren't holding anything back.

Maybe this doesn't make any sense to you...but like i said its late...